


Silentium est Aureum

by moralfilth



Category: His Dark Materials (TV), His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Genre: F/M, Gen, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-02-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:48:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22175839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moralfilth/pseuds/moralfilth
Summary: What shaped Marisa Coulter into the woman she is today? The steely, determined and tough woman in a man's world, with her terrifying silent monkey?
Relationships: Lord Asriel/Marisa Coulter
Comments: 21
Kudos: 80





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first attempt at His Dark Materials fiction, set prior to the main trilogy. I've always been fascinated by what made Marisa into the woman we read about in the books, and wanted to create my own backstory for her.
> 
> There will be time jumps between sections, but the piece as a whole will run chronologically.
> 
> I have yet to read La Belle Sauvage or The Secret Commonwealth, so nothing from there applies here!
> 
> Would love to hear your thoughts!

Marisa had been woken by what sounded like snoring. Half awake, she squinted at Asriel lying next to her, and realising the sound wasn’t in fact coming from him, but from Stelmaria, curled up with her monkey at the foot of the bed. She was purring in her sleep, and Ozymandias had been curled up against her. However, as Marisa woke, he stirred, and lithely made his way on to the bed to sit by Marisa’s shoulder.  
“She makes more noise than he does,” Ozymandias quipped, and Marisa batted him playfully. “Enough. You weren’t complaining when she was keeping you warm half the night. And he does not snore,” she said, keeping her voice quiet so she didn’t wake Asriel or his daemon. She closed her eyes again, but knew it was fruitless; she could never get back to sleep once she had been woken. Ozymandias was restless too, and had leapt off the bed and across the room to sit on the windowsill, looking out as the sun was starting to rise over the rooftops of Oxford. Sighing, Marisa got out of bed, still careful not to wake Asriel, and went to sit with her daemon.

She felt utterly content. Of course, getting to Oxford and the elaborate lies she’d had to tell her husband Edward to get there had certainly not been stress free, but she forgot absolutely everything else when she was with Asriel. Marisa wasn’t affectionate, she wasn’t emotional and she certainly wasn’t easy to please. She had always been bemused by women who had entirely forgotten themselves for the sake of love, casting aside any ambition of their own to become dutiful wives. One thing she had to credit Edward with was that he had always encouraged her ambition, but she certainly didn’t think she loved him.  
But the minute she met Lord Asriel, she knew for certain she’d never felt anything for her husband that remotely resembled love. Marisa and Asriel were introduced by a mutual friend at a function at the Arctic Institute, and instantly, she was fascinated by him, the talk of his travels had her hanging on his every word. It was no surprise to either of them that by the end of the evening, encouraged by the wine they had been drinking, they had stolen away onto the terrace, kissing one another heatedly behind a pillar. The thrill of it still gave Marisa butterflies now when she thought about it, despite everything they had done since.

She thought of it now as she sat looking out at the sun coming up, and Ozymandias snickered. “You really aren’t ever going to let that memory go, are you?” he teased, and Marisa smiled fondly. “You know I won’t,” she replied. The monkey surveyed her for a moment, as if he was analysing her, processing what she was thinking. “This is dangerous, Marisa…” he started, knowing she wouldn’t want to hear it. “I know you love him but I worry…”  
Marisa cut him off. “Please, Oz. Not now. Everything is fine, Edward suspects nothing...I’m grateful for you reminding me how I should be behaving, but you can save it. Asriel is worth the risk,” she said, scratching the monkey affectionately behind his ear as he sighed, but nuzzled her hand. She knew he was trying to be sensible, remind her of all she had to lose, and she was grateful, but she just didn’t care. Not now, with Asriel so close by. She knew the anxiety would set in again when she returned home.

“Worth the risk, eh?” came a voice from the bed. Marisa rolled her eyes. Of course he would wake up to hear that part. “Well, I must say, I quite agree with you Marisa, I am worth the risk. So stop pretending you have a conscience, and come back to bed…” he said, a wicked smirk on his face, as he pulled the covers back to let her in. Ozymandias went to Stelmaria instantly and nuzzled her, as Marisa returned to bed with her lover.  
“You really are bad news...and you’re going to get me in a lot of trouble...” Marisa said, but she was smirking, as Asriel pulled her close, kissing her as his hands roamed her body.

***

Almost a year had passed since Marisa and Asriel had begun their affair. They had become increasingly reckless, stealing away at events, sometimes right under the nose of her husband, to secluded corners to snatch a few moments together, even once making love in an empty boardroom at the Arctic Institute while her husband socialised in the room next door. The risk seemed to thrill Asriel, and the devilish look in his eyes only fuelled Marisa’s lust for him. But it was more than that, much more than just lust, and every one of their passionate, frenzied encounters could be matched by a tender, more romantic one.

Marisa had been finding every excuse she could to spend time with Asriel, and they’d established a somewhat ‘working’ relationship that had rather impressed, and seemingly fooled, Edward Coulter, who admired Asriel on a professional level. He seemed to take it as a personal achievement that Lord Asriel was so taken with his wife’s intelligence, and had been encouraging Marisa to pursue their professional relationship. Edward had been particularly interested in a discussion he’d once had with Asriel where he had mentioned Rusakov Particles, and was determined to use his wife to dig a little deeper. It seemed the man had no idea just what he was encouraging.

His biggest ‘success,’ was when he ‘convinced’ Marisa to join Asriel on one of his expeditions. Marisa could barely believe what she was hearing. Edward clearly did not have a clue what they were doing right under his nose, but she was more than happy to play along, pretending it would be too long for her to be apart from him, that it would impact her own research, even going so far as to say that people would talk about her for doing such a thing as travel with man who wasn’t her husband. But Edward insisted. Insisted it would be an excellent for her reputation, for their reputation as a couple, to be seen to be associated with someone as highly regarded in society as Lord Asriel, not to mention getting their names mentioned alongside his revolutionary work at the Arctic Institute. Edward was so caught up in what an association with Asriel could do for him that he didn’t even begin to suspect that they were conducting a passionate love affair almost in plain sight.

It had worked out beautifully for Marisa and Asriel, literally having been given permission to go away on an expedition together by the very man they were doing everything they could to hide their affair from. Ozymandias had reminded Marisa that it was all too convenient, all too good to be true, but didn’t make any attempt to convince her not to go; just to keep in mind the risks she was taking. But the minute they had boarded the airship to the North, they were acting like a married couple, blatantly disregarding the fact that Thorold was there with them, or simply just not caring. Marisa was well travelled, but Asriel had shown her things on the expedition she could never even have dreamed of.

The biting, debilitating cold and the endless trek through the mountains was entirely forgotten the first time she saw the Aurora. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, and beneath that sky full of lights was the first time Asriel had said, in so many words, that he loved her.

He promised her that night, that they were going to change the world.

***

As she was examined by the doctor, Marisa held Ozymandias close to her for comfort. It was uncomfortable, embarrassing, and not to mention the fact her heart was practically thumping out of her chest due to the anxiety she could barely function against. The monkey nuzzled against her, his presence the only thing keeping her from screaming. Outwardly, she was utterly cool, she knew that she had absolutely no choice to be anything but so she didn’t raise suspicion. The doctor has soon concluded the examination and removed his gloves, writing down a few notes, seemingly in no rush to inform Marisa of anything.  
“Well…?!” she snapped impatiently, but a gentle nudge from her daemon made her check herself. “I’m sorry,” Marisa said, giving him a charming smile. “But as I am sure you can understand, this is a terribly exciting time.”  
The doctor nodded and smiled, and Marisa could tell he was under her spell because of how intently he was looking at her.  
“I’m delighted to tell you that it’s good news, Mrs Coulter. You are pregnant, as suspected, and I’d estimate you are already around six weeks from the date of conception,” he said.  
Marisa’s heart felt like it might have dropped out of her at that point, and Ozymandias gripped onto her tightly, as if he was reminding her to stay calm, to ground her. She’d been in the North with Asriel for the past few months, only returning a fortnight prior. There was absolutely no doubt who the child’s father was, not that it was a surprise. Even when she was with Edward, their intimacy was below average at best.  
Forcing a dazzling smile onto her face, Marisa played her part flawlessly. “Oh that is wonderful news, doctor. My husband will be absolutely thrilled, he has longed to be a father for such a long time,” she said, lying through her teeth. She didn't really know how Edward felt about children, because every time he had brought it up, she had brushed it off. Her mind was racing ten steps ahead, at a hundred miles an hour, already trying to decide what to do, who to lie to, what exactly she should lie about, how she could fudge the dates, how on earth she was going to tell Asriel, wondering if she should risk it all and come clean entirely.

She walked out of the doctor’s office in an utter daze, still holding her daemon close to her, not unlike how a mother would cradle her child.  
“What am I going to do, Oz?” she said quietly. She’d never felt quite so lost or uncertain as she did at that moment. It was no longer just a love affair, no longer just her and Asriel. This was incredibly serious, she chastised herself for having been so stupid to barely even have considered the consequences. It was ridiculous; she didn’t even know how Asriel was going to react, and if he didn’t take it well, then where would she be?  
Ozymandias was quietly weeping in her arms, betraying the utter helplessness Marisa was feeling inside that she wouldn’t dare let out herself. “We need to go to Oxford, Marisa. Asriel needs to know. He loves us. And he’ll know what to do,” he said, gently pawing at her as she stroked him. The woman and the monkey doing what they could to comfort one another in the loneliest moment they’d ever experienced together.


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter hopefully offers a little more insight and buildup to all of the important relationships we know Marisa has, and ones that are important to her overall arc.
> 
> I know exactly where this is going and I'm so impatient to get there, but I want to be sure I have weaved in everything I want, so please be patient and I hope you enjoy all of this background.
> 
> I should mention Asriel is a little softer than we know him now...this is entirely intentional...!

After gathering her thoughts and calming herself down and sounding things out with her closest confidant Ozymandias, Marisa had made the decision to go to Oxford the following day to see Asriel and break the news to him that she was pregnant. She knew that she had to carefully construct a reason to give to Edward as to why she had to leave with such urgency, despite the fact he was utterly oblivious to everything that was going on around him.

Marisa sat him down over lunch, pretending that she had received a telegram from Lord Asriel detailing an urgent breakthrough in his continued research from their trip, and that she must come to Oxford right away to discuss his findings.

"I know it’s terribly inconvenient darling, but I simply must go. This will go down in history...the things we saw in the North were...honestly darling, you wouldn't even believe it if I told you," Marisa said, her eyes wide and earnest as she weaved her lies. 

Edward, as always, was utterly enchanted by his wife, hanging on her every word, and probably imagining the immense social climb he could pull off when Marisa was associated with whatever it was that Asriel had discovered.

Edward reached across the table for her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "You must go, Marisa. The man clearly believes you equal him in intelligence and from someone like him, that is something you _must_ grasp! He is the most revolutionary explorer of our time Marisa, this is important for you!" he said. Marisa knew he was in it more for himself than for her, but she couldn't hold it against him. They were two social climbers who had married out of convenience and a mutual need for validation and power. 

Edward wanted to make love to her before she left, and Marisa relented, dutifully following him to their bedroom, out of something that, had she loved him, might have been guilt. She thought of Asriel the whole time, even as he kissed her goodbye when he left to return to work.

Once she had washed and dressed herself, Marisa boarded the airship she had booked late the previous evening when he had made up her mind to go. She found the most isolated seat possible so she could be alone with her thoughts, and her anxiety and constant ruminating meant the journey seemed to take even longer than usual. She didn't even know for certain how she was going to _find_ Asriel once she got to Jordan College anyway. He could be anywhere, if he wasn't at home.

"Thorold will let us in," Ozymandias said confidently to Marisa, the monkey having held her hand the whole journey in some attempt at comfort. "He knows what you two have been up to anyway, so it isn't going to come as any surprise, is it?" Marisa couldn't help but laugh. Her daemon was right; perhaps waiting at Asriel's home was the best thing to do, rather than wandering around the whole of Oxford, drawing even more attention to herself. She was grateful that she had Ozymandias to keep her sane and her thoughts in check; she had never felt closer to her daemon than she had over the past year, and was sure that without him, she wouldn't have been able to cope with all the lies and deceit.

***

Marisa sat awkwardly in the kitchen at Asriel's home, sipping a warm drink Thorold had given her when she had arrived. As she had half suspected, Asriel was not at home, but thankfully had not unexpectedly travelled to London to see her, a thought which struck while she was on the airship and had momentarily terrified her. She would have had no means of explaining to her husband why they had crossed paths, let alone the fact Asriel wouldn't have a clue about her fictional reasons for leaving if he was questioned.

"Do you have any idea at all when he will be back, Thorold? I assume you can deduce from the unexpected arrival that I need to talk to Lord Asriel rather urgently," she said, maintaining the icy facade she managed to keep around everyone but Asriel.

The servant shook his head. "I'm afraid not, ma'am. He was presenting some of his findings to the scholars," he said, before looking at her as if he was summoning up the courage to say more. His dog daemon, looked at him and nudged him with his nose, but Thorold didn't speak.

"Did you have something else you wanted to say, Thorold?" Marisa asked, her voice soft, sweet ever, but somehow still commanding and ever so slightly intimidating.

"I-I...well...no ma'am..." he said. Marisa raised an eyebrow. Clearing his throat, as if summoning up some confidence, he began again. "Well. Forgive me, I don't mean to speak out of turn. But you should know...because he probably never tells you. But my Lord is...well, I'm an old friend of Asriel's and I have worked for him for many years now and..."

Ozymandias betrayed Marisa's impatience at the man's waffling, and hissed at Thorold's pinscher daemon, who backed away to hide behind his legs. Marisa stroked Ozymandias, keeping her cool outwardly, calming her dæmon as best she could. "Go on, Thorold. What doesn't he tell me...?" she coaxed, her voice still soft.

"He… Lord Asriel is clearly deeply in love with you ma'am. Very much so. I shouldn't say this, he'd have me strung up, but he can't work the same when you're not with him, frustrates more easily when he hasn't seen you. Like I say, I've known him a long time...I've never seen him like this. And I know he won't tell you so...you should know. I may only be his lowly servant, but I know what you're risking for him ma'am..." he said. Thorold hadn't looked at Marisa the whole time he had spoken, clearly intimidated by her, but now glanced up, almost grimacing as if he was regretting having said anything at all, waiting for her verdict.

Marisa paused for a moment, considering what to say. She knew deep down that Asriel loved her. He had only told her once, that night they stood watching the Aurora, and even then, it was only a heavy implication rather in the exact words. But to hear that he was so caught up in his feelings for her that it was affecting his work it was...well, flattering. And it certainly reassured her that his reaction to the news he was to become a father might be a positive one.

"Thank you, Thorold," Marisa said, giving him a charming smile, the man instantly looking relieved. "I must admit its rather amusing hearing that I've had such an effect on him. Flattering too of course," she added, her smile turning to a smirk. However, they were interrupted a door being flung open elsewhere in the house, Asriel ranting as he made his way through to the kitchen "Well that was an _utter_ waste of time! Sometimes I wonder how the hell some of those blithering idiots got anywhere _near_ Jordan college! Complete _fools_ , just unbeli _..."_ he tailed off, his entire demeanour softening when he saw Marisa. "Marisa?! Why on earth are you here? We hadn't arranged today, had we...?" he asked, clearly quite bewildered and caught off guard to find her there so unexpectedly. Marisa shook her head. "No. There is something I need to discuss with you, and it couldn't wait," she replied coolly, doing her best to hide her inner turmoil.

"Very well," Asriel nodded. "Come. We'll discuss in my study," he said, getting the impression it was serious, and thinking it best they didn't do it in front of Thorold. Marisa got up, smoothing her skirt, and exchanged a polite, knowing smile with the servant, as she followed Asriel to his study.

***

Marisa stared at her lover, the silence seeming to go on forever as Asriel processed what she had just told him. Stelmaria was pacing up and down the study, hackles raised, clearly restless, which made Marisa incredibly nervous. 

“You’re sure?” Asriel eventually said, still not giving anything away, no emotion in his voice. 

Marisa nodded. “Absolutely certain. It could only have happened when we were in the North together,” she said, having gone over and over the dates in her mind, and there was no possible way the child could have been her husband’s. 

Asriel fell silent again, getting up himself to pace back and forth, rubbing his stubble covered chin like he did when he was concentrating on his work. 

“Asriel, please!” Marisa eventually snapped, before instantly softening again. “I’m already in knots about this, please just...tell me how you feel.” It was alien to Marisa to be encouraging _anyone_ to talk about their feelings, let alone Asriel, but if there was a time to make an exception, this was it.

He stopped pacing and looked at her, as if he hadn’t even thought about what his unreadable reaction would be doing to her.

“Marisa. I’m thinking about how we’re going to get away. If you and I are to have a child, we must come up with a plan to be together, to go somewhere I can keep you and the child safe,” he said.

Marisa just stared at him, processing what he had just said; it wasn’t entirely the response she was expecting, but relief washed over her. He wanted to keep her _safe._ Her and their child. 

“Go somewhere?” she repeated. “But what about my marriage? And what about you? We’d lose everything if it all came out!” she said, clearly deeply concerned about protecting the reputation she’d worked so hard to maintain. 

“Only if they knew where to find us, Marisa,” Asriel said, with a determined look in his eye, an immense air of confidence that he would work it all out. “If we leave, _just_ before you’re going to give birth, and have the child without your husband ever even seeing them. I have more money and land than I know what to do with Marisa, we can go anywhere!” he scoffed, sitting back down and taking her hand in both of his, holding it tightly. “All I am certain of is that I want you with me wherever I am, Marisa. And I will do anything to make that possible, and to protect you and our child.”

Marisa’s eyes filled with tears at his words; she never cried, and she wasn’t sure if it was more from the immense relief she felt, or if it was because of what he was saying. Asriel was prepared to give up everything for her and their child. 

“What about your work? Surely if we disappear somewhere you’ll never be able to see it through!” she said, worried he would grow to resent her if he’d had to abandon his years of research and meticulous study. 

Asriel scoffed. “I can continue my work wherever I go, Marisa, I’ll still have means and money to travel. And you can continue too, once you feel ready. We can find some local girl to help with the child, and when we get our breakthrough Marisa, _nobody_ will stop us,” he said, the determination and passion clear in his voice and his eyes. 

“I promised you we were going to change the world. And I intend to see that through. I _love_ you Marisa.”

She had waited over a year to hear those words from him, but they couldn’t have come at a better time. Marisa knew she didn’t need to reply and wasn’t sure if she could find the words, she was in so much shock from hearing him actually say them. Besides Asriel knew how she felt, and Ozymandias was already nuzzled into Stelmaria, stroking the snow leopard’s fur, as she purred contentedly.

Everything was going to be alright.


	3. 3

After getting over the initial shock, Marisa and Asriel had spent the next couple of days coming up with an extremely detailed plan about what they were going to do. It seemed foolproof, and knowing she and Asriel were in it together had eased her anxiety. She even dared to feel a little excited, but they weren’t out of the woods yet.

The plan would begin in a couple of weeks, when Marisa would confess her pregnancy to Edward, pretending the child was his, conceived before she travelled to Oxford. For once, Marisa was incredibly glad she’d had sex with Edward when he asked, as it would now provide the perfect cover. This way, she would be able to continue as normal for most of her pregnancy, and she and Asriel could still see one another as they had been doing for the past year, fobbing off their meetings as ‘work.’

The majority of the plan would kick in not long before she was due to give birth, where Marisa was to leave behind a letter for her husband, along with her wedding ring. She and Asriel would then travel to a tiny village in the North that he was familiar with, guarded by armoured bears, the leader of whom, he was owed a favour by. He insisted that they would be safe there, and no amount of force would allow anyone to get to them. Marisa learned that while on a solo research trip, Asriel had led an expedition to recover a missing child who lived in the village, and as a result, those resident there were fiercely loyal to him, which made it the perfect place for him to flee to with his lover to keep her and his child safe. There were plenty of women there who would be able to help Marisa when she gave birth, and assist with the child when they needed it. It was all perfect. They would be so difficult to find, and to get to, that it was difficult to see anything going wrong, and by the time they had finalised all of the details, they were both rather excited at what was to come for them. After all, they had dreamed of being together for so long, not having to sneak around or hide what they were doing. Marisa’s pregnancy may have forced their hand somewhat, but it seemed that it may have been a blessing in disguise to give them what they had longed for. 

The night before Marisa was due to return to London, she and Asriel spent almost the entire day in bed together. As dusk fell, they lay curled up together in bed, looking out at the sky as they often did, trying to spot constellations. It was a running joke between them now, that for some unknown reason, they could only ever see one fully, no matter how hard they tried.

“It’s the light pollution!” Marisa laughed. “We’ll see more when we go to Svalbard!” 

Asriel couldn’t help but laugh, shaking his head. “It’s not the light pollution, Marisa, it’s the bloody _window_ , you fool! We are _perfectly_ in line with Lyra, which is why it’s the only one we can consistently see. If we went out and stood in the street, we’d be able to see Draco, Cygnus and maybe at a push Hercules too,” he said, admiring her as he looked at her. “Besides, Lyra has the brightest star, that one there that you see?” he said, pointing. “I sometimes look out at that when you’re back in London and wonder if you can see it too,” he admitted quietly, somewhat embarrassed about sounding so sentimental. 

Marisa didn’t smiled to herself, knowing if she made a big deal out of what he had said, he’d never say anything remotely affectionate ever again. She just reached for the hand he had laid on her stomach, and squeezed it gently, nuzzling against him before placing a gentle kiss on his cheek. 

“I’ll look for it when I go back to London. I promise,” she said quietly, feeling perfectly content in Asriel’s arms, wishing she never had to leave Oxford.

***

Delighted at the news he was to become a father, or at least he _thought_ he was, Edward had decided to throw a party in his and his wife’s honour at their home once they were ready to announce their news. Marisa had protested, insisting he didn’t make a fuss, but he did it anyway. Marisa almost felt guilty at how delighted he was, blissfully unaware of the fact he wasn’t really the child’s father. Asriel had of course, been invited. She knew he would understand and that it was all part of their plan, but knew that the evening would be difficult for both of them to get through. 

They avoided too much contact all evening, Marisa staying by her husband’s side as they greeted their guests. She was dressed impeccably in a beautiful satin dress, the slightest hint of a bump visible beneath the fabric. Marisa’s eyes kept meeting Asriel’s across the room, and she had to fight hard to keep the smile from her face, thinking of all they had planned together.

Much to her chagrin, Edward had insisted he make a speech, telling the room about how thrilled he was at their wonderful news, and Marisa kept noticing Asriel struggling not to laugh at the back of the room.

“You could at least _try_ not to look so smug!” Marisa whispered when she eventually managed to talk to her lover alone, but she too was smirking. 

“I’m sorry,” Asriel laughed. “But he is just _so_ pleased, I almost feel sorry for him. If he knew the things I’ve been doing to you…” he grinned, a glint in his eye.

“I don’t think he’d even know what half of those things are. He’s not very ambitious in the bedroom,” Marisa said, grimacing. 

“I hate the thought of him near you, Marisa. I know he’s your husband but you are _mine,_ ” Asriel said, a hunger in his eyes, the tone of his voice betraying the frustration he felt that he couldn’t touch her or show any sort of affection.

“Not long now, and he’ll never see me again,” Marisa reminded him, checking over her shoulder to ensure they weren’t being watched, before reaching to discreetly stroke his cheek. “Once we get away from here, I’ll be yours for the rest of our lives.”

Later that evening, Edward was so inebriated that he had ended up falling asleep on the sofa, drunk out of his mind from all the congratulatory top ups he had been given by his colleagues and friends. Asriel and Marisa seized the chance for the ultimate thrill, and once the remaining guests had left, they made love in her marital bed, while her husband slept next door. She didn’t feel one ounce of guilt, despite Ozymandias and Stelmaria sat by the bedroom door acting as lookouts, the snow leopard relaxed, while the monkey bristled and paced, betraying his human’s deeply hidden fears that she would be discovered any moment.

***

Marisa was now heavily pregnant, and so far, everything was going beautifully to plan. She had a few months until the baby was due, and Edward was still totally unaware of her affair with Asriel, meaning they were still able to work together and spend time together without any suspicion being raised. It was important to Marisa that she saw as much of Asriel as possible, not just for her own wants and needs, but so he still felt involved in her pregnancy despite the fact that it was a secret that he was the child’s father.

A few days before she was due to visit Asriel in Oxford, Marisa received a letter from him.

 _‘Dearest Marisa,’_ it read.

‘ _I am so sorry to tell you at such short notice, but I am writing to tell you I have had to travel North unexpectedly. Svalbard is due to have an extended period of Aurora, which will provide extensive and continued opportunities of study that, as you know, I’d otherwise wait months for._

_I would much prefer to take you with me, but time is of the essence and I have had to leave straight away._

_I know you will understand and I will inform you by telegram of my return as soon as I can. In the meantime, I enclose a small gift, which I had intended to present you with in Oxford. It is not only a token of my love, but a reminder that no matter where you are, how far apart we are, you can always find your way back to me._

_Soon my love, we will begin our new life together, and until then, I shall watch the stars every night thinking of you._

_Asriel’_

Enclosed with the letter, was a delicate gold chain, the pendant upon which, was a small compass. It was beautiful, and Marisa was rather taken aback by the gift, and the thought behind it. It was hands down the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for her, none of Edward’s grand, yet thoughtless gestures had ever come close.

Although she was sad that she would no longer be travelling to Oxford to see him, Marisa was comforted by the letter, and the gift. She told her husband that it was something she had bought herself, a reminder of her expeditions and all of the places she still wanted to explore. He thought it was wonderful, full of admiration that he had such an adventurous, ambitious spouse.

Marisa never took the necklace off, and at every opportunity, discreetly re-read the letter from Asriel that she had kept hidden in her underwear drawer, confident that it would never be found by anyone, let alone her husband.


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is only a short chapter and could have been a section of the previous or next chapters, but I thought it deserved one of its own. Hope you enjoy and thank you for your continued support!

Asriel had been gone for a couple of weeks now and it was the longest they had gone since they had met without any contact at all. Marisa was restless, not just from missing him, but she was uncomfortably pregnant now and Edward was being irritating, constantly fussing and fawning over her.

She was grateful when he had to go away on a business trip, leaving her alone at home. She passed the time by reading, and had started to secretly pack away her most important and valuable belongings in preparation for leaving with Asriel. The way things were going, they’d had to leave almost as soon as he was back, as by that time, she would be very close to giving birth.

That evening, Marisa had gone to bed early, having been bothered for much of the day by a dull backache which wasn’t abnormal in the late stages of pregnancy. However, she woke in the middle of the night by intense pains in her abdomen, and the realisation that she sheets were damp. 

Panic immediately set in, as she knew the signs. Marisa was in labour. Not only was she in labour, but it was early, too early, and she was entirely alone. Entirely alone other than Ozymandias, who did everything he could to comfort her, an outward sign of Marisa trying to keep herself calm.

She paced around the bedroom, having covered the bed with old sheets in preparation for what was to come. With each contraction, she breathed through the pain, finding it somewhat similar to what she had felt when she and Ozymandias had conducted experiments on how far they could separate when they were still in their teens. 

As her labour progressed though, it became almost unbearable, and she could no longer even pace, or move around to help herself cope with it. She lay on the bed, biting into the pillow to somehow try and ease the pain, her daemon restless and distressed himself as things became more and more intense, until eventually she knew she had to push. It went on like this for what seemed like hours, her hair damp with sweat, and Marisa felt she was too exhausted to go on. But finally, in what seemed like a sudden rush, a piercing cry filled the air, the unmistakable sound of an infant. 

Marisa gasped, instantly reaching for the baby and instinctively lifting them to lay on her chest. It was immediately obvious it was a baby girl, and Marisa began to sob as the child cried and eventually settled against her chest. She had no idea how she felt. Relief that the girl had arrived, sadness that Asriel wasn’t there, and sheer panic that their plan was now in tatters and she had no idea how she could get in touch with him.

Once the initial shock and pain had worn off, Marisa bathed the tiny infant, taking the time to really look at her daughter. She was perfect. And she undeniably was a product of Marisa and Asriel, a tiny hybrid of them both, which although beautiful, would only cause more problems if Edward saw her.. Marisa ignored that for now, and cleaned herself up, going to sit by her bedroom window, cradling the baby girl in her arms. For the first time ever, looking out across the London skyline, she noticed some stars. Utterly unaffected by the light pollution of the city, she could see only one constellation, as clear as day.

Lyra.


	5. 5

By the time Edward arrived home a few days later, Marisa had already secretly taken her infant daughter to a convent to be hidden away. She had given a false name, and had informed them that she or the child’s father would return shortly to collect her. 

Her husband was bewildered to find his wife in such a state when he returned, and even more distressed to find she was no longer pregnant.

Marisa had told him that the child had died, that they had been born too early, which tied in with the false timeline she had given him, and that she had dealt with it all herself while he had been away. She couldn’t risk her husband seeing the undeniable resemblance the baby had to Lord Asriel.

“I didn’t want to worry you,” Marisa said, her voice flat and devoid of any emotion. She had already sent a telegram to Asriel’s home, telling him what had happened and where he could find their daughter when he returned, begging him to collect her and take her somewhere safe, regardless of whether he could take Marisa too. She was absolutely beside herself with anxiety that their carefully laid plans were now entirely useless, and that everything was going to be exposed, ending with Asriel potentially dead, and her left with absolutely nothing, including her daughter. Part of her couldn’t help but wonder if this was their punishment for their sins.

Edward was understandably incredibly upset, not only that he had lost the child he had thought was his, but also the guilt that his wife had to go through the birth and subsequent death of their child alone. Or at least, that was the truth he had been given. Marisa felt absolutely no guilt about lying to him. She was so bitter over the way things had turned out that she utterly resented the man and couldn’t bear to be near him. Edward put it down to her grieving, and despite being desperate to try and comfort his wife, he let her be; that at least she was thankful for. 

Marisa couldn’t do anything but think of her daughter. Her Lyra. Her baby girl she had named after the brightest stars in the sky. All she could do was hope that Asriel would return soon, and that they’d be able to get away and continue with their original plan to be together. The thought of anything else was unbearable.

And that afternoon, a telegram came. Asriel was home, and he was on his way to London.

***

Making the excuse that she needed some air and wanted to be alone, Marisa had gone to the convent to wait for Asriel, knowing it would only be a few hours before he arrived. Edward had not protested her leaving, or asked if she wanted company; he thought it best that he give his wife space, and instead decided to busy himself around the house, Marisa having left the place in quite a state, which he of course didn’t blame her for. He cleaned and tidied their home, having his own private moment of grief when he found the bloodied sheets Marisa had half attempted to dispose of from when she had given birth, a stark reminder to Edward what his wife had suffered through alone. 

Meanwhile, Marisa had been reunited with Lyra, sat in a quiet room alone with her at the convent to await Asriel’s arrival. She couldn’t take her eyes off of her daughter, trying to commit everything about the tiny girl’s features to memory as if she were to be snatched away at any moment. Although quiet at first, the girl began whimpering, before uncontrollably starting to cry, and no amount of fuss seemed to console her. One of the nuns came in, clearly concerned at the commotion and told Marisa the child was probably hungry. She stared blankly at the woman, before realising what she meant. She had no idea what to do, she hadn’t even thought about how she would actually have to  _ nurture _ the child, comfort her, feed her. 

Reluctantly, after insisting the nun left her in peace, Marisa, after some initial difficulty, fed her daughter for the first time. It was something she knew her body had been aching to do since giving birth; a near constant reminder that her baby was not with her as she should be. The bond she felt with her daughter at that moment was like nothing she had expected; it almost knocked the breath out of her with how sudden, and intense, the rush of unexpected maternal instinct was. She knew she loved Asriel, but what she felt for Lyra even surpassed that, though it was an entirely different, all consuming love.

The baby girl’s daemon had also manifested, and Ozymandias was cradling him much like Marisa held Lyra. Currently, he was in the form of an ermine, and the monkey had given him the name Pantalaimon. 

Suddenly, the door to the room opened; the monkey and the ermine were joined by a snow leopard. Asriel had finally arrived.

***

While he had been cleaning up their home, Edward had finished all of their laundry and had gone to put Marisa’s clothes away. He wanted everything to be perfect, clean and as normal as possible for his wife’s return; he would never usually have undertaken such duties, but this was an exception. When returning some underwear to her drawer, he noticed a neatly folded piece of paper tucked away at the back. Usually, he wouldn’t have noticed, but it seemed an odd thing to be in there and so caught his eye. Curiosity getting the better of him, he picked it up and began to read. It took a few times reading it over and over again before he was sure he could believe what he was reading and that he wasn’t misunderstanding it, but with each read through, it became more clear. He had been utterly deceived. Marisa and Asriel had been having an affair, an incredibly  _ long _ affair right under his nose, under the guise of then working together! The child his wife carried probably was never his all along! Edward was incandescent with rage, so utterly furious he was shaking. Images flashed through his mind of all the times he’d encouraged Marisa to visit Asriel, remembering times he couldn’t find her at parties, things she had told him about her trip to the North, probably all lies, and that  _ necklace _ , which he now realised must have been a gift to his wife from Asriel, the gift he had spoken of in the letter. He had been made a total fool of. They had probably been laughing at how  _ pathetic _ he was, Asriel probably delighted at how weak he had made him look, repeatedly violating his wife, impregnating her and now planning to run off with her. Well, he wasn’t going to let it happen. Utterly furious and deeply embarrassed, Edward let out what could only be described as a roar, an animalistic burst of pure, unfiltered rage as he violently swept Marisa’s belongings from her dresser, picking up her perfume bottles and launching them across the bedroom where they smashed dramatically against the wall. He paused, having run out of ammunition, panting to get his breath back, pacing up and down the room, his buzzard daemon letting out a loud squawk, sounding every bit as distressed as Edward was. There was no doubt in the man’s mind where his wife had gone, and he had every intention of finding her and her lover, and making them pay dearly for what they had done.

***

“I’m so sorry Marisa, I came as soon as I could…” Asriel said as he rushed in, stopping dead as he saw the baby in his lover’s arms, utterly knocked for six at the sight of her, even if he did try to hide it.

“Well...there’s no denying she’s our daughter,” Asriel said, raising an eyebrow, clearly noticing the resemblance she bore to them both, reaching to gently stroke the girl’s cheek.

“I know,” Marisa replied, instantly feeling more relaxed than she had in weeks, now that she was back with him. “I...I called her Lyra....” Marisa said, feeling embarrassed now she was saying it out loud, thinking Asriel might find it rather twee she had chosen the name for such obviously sentimental reasons. But he didn’t laugh. He only reached for Lyra, carefully taking her into his arms, hushing her as she whimpered.

“I think it’s a perfect name,” Asriel said, cradling their daughter in one arm and wrapping the other around Marisa, and kissing her temple. “And I promise you, I’ll keep her safe. Her, and you,” he said quietly. “What have you told your husband?” Asriel asked. “I assume he wasn’t there when you gave birth?”

Marisa shook her head, and explained to Asriel what had happened, that she had been alone and that she had lied to Edward about losing the child. 

“Perfect,” Asriel said, a response which Marisa wasn’t really expecting, but felt relieved he thought she had done the right thing. “I’ll take Lyra back with me to Oxford and keep her safe until you can come and join us. Continue with the original plan, leave your letter, whatever you’re going to do and go in the night, and we’ll begin travel to the North straight away,” he instructed her, clearly not phased or concerned that their carefully laid plans had been changed.

When he said it like that, it sounded perfect, and felt a weight lifted that he seemed to still believe they could get away.. Edward would still be none the wiser until she left, by which time, it would be too late. And most importantly, no matter what happened to her, Lyra would be safe with her father.

“You should go. Now. And take her....” Marisa said, dreading both of them leaving without her, despite the fact she knew she would see them again soon and they’d be able to begin their new lives together. She leaned over to look at Lyra again, committing her tiny features to memory, stroking her cheek and kissing her forehead gently, before turning to Asriel. “Look after her,” she said, trying to sound firm, but the look in her eyes betrayed how she was really feeling. Marisa leaned in to kiss Asriel slowly, trying to savour it and commit it to memory, probably coming from the fear at the back of her mind that if things were to go wrong, she might never see him or their daughter again.

“We’ll be ready to leave as soon as you arrive,” Asriel said, glancing at Ozymandias who was whimpering as he let go of the tiny ermine to go with Stelmaria. Despite her daemon’s behaviour, Marisa took a deep breath, forcing a smile on her face that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“I’ll get to Oxford as soon as I can,” she said. She escorted them to the back door, and watched as Asriel and Stelmaria slipped away with their daughter in his arms. She kept the smile painted on her face until they were out of sight, before turning away from the door, fiercely wiping away the tear that trickled down her cheek, shaking her head to compose herself. As they left the convent, she calmly thanked the nuns, giving them a charming smile, ignoring their concerned glances at the monkey trailing sadly behind her.

***

When Marisa arrived home, she was surprised at how pristine it was. She hadn’t left it that way. Her husband must have been responsible, and she knew he was probably trying to tiptoe around her, keeping everything perfect because she knew he was fragile. It was probably the closest to guilt she had ever felt for Edward, but was assuaged by the fact she wouldn’t be around to see him learn the truth.

“Edward…?” she called out, hanging her coat up in the hall. “That walk has made me feel much better,” Marisa said, conscious to brighten her voice. “I really do think there’s something to be said for…”

Marisa stopped dead when she found her husband sitting in the living room, a bottle of liquor on the table, and a half filled glass in his hand. Next to the bottle, was a letter. Marisa had seen it enough times to recognise it instantly, and she froze. 

“Not a word. Not  _ one  _ more word, Marisa,” Edward said, not even looking up at her. “I don’t want to hear one more  _ lie  _ from that  _ filthy _ mouth of yours,” he snarled. Now he was looking at her. She had never seen him like this, ever. She hadn’t seen her husband show so much emotion in the entire time they had been married. He was furious. His eyes looked black. 

Marisa had two choices. Confess all, grovel and hope he forgave her; he was a weak man, she thought, it  _ might _ work? Or, pretend he had got the wrong end of the stick, that it was all in his head. She went with the latter.

“Oh darling…!” Marisa laughed, going to him. “I was going to tell you about that letter, about Asriel! The man is an utter  _ fool _ ! He confessed his love for me before he left, I of  _ course _ rejected him, made him feel quite the…” Marisa was cut off by a sudden impact on her jaw, which knocked her backwards onto the sofa, utterly dazed, Ozymandias leaping to be by her side. The impact had come from the back of her husband’s hand, and he was now towering over her, Marisa raising a hand to her burning face, unable to believe exactly what he had done.

“Don’t insult me Marisa, after everything else, don’t you  _ dare _ insult me by lying to me again!” Edward’s voice was raised now, his quiet fury now full blown rage. “All of these months, me believing in you, encouraging you, encouraging  _ him _ , and all this time, he’s been violating you, violating my  _ wife _ ! I’m sure you’ve found this very funny Marisa, I’m sure the two of you have been been greatly entertained, making a fool out of me, well, let me assure you I will have the last laugh!” Edward said, spitting his words out.

Marisa wasn’t a pushover, and she got up, putting space between them, Ozymandias hissing at Edward’s buzzard daemon as he circled around the room, as agitated as his human counterpart. 

“Asriel made me feel  _ alive _ , he made me feel things that you have never, ever made me feel!” Marisa taunted, knowing it was dangerous but her anger matched his now, the realisation that he had actually hit her finally making it’s impact, and making her see red.

Edward looked winded at her words; he clearly wasn’t expecting such a retort from his wife, let alone after he had tried to physically assert himself and his dominance over her.

“And the child?” he asked, weakening for a moment, knowing that in all likelihood, the child he’d believed was his, that he’d grieved for just hours ago,was still alive.

“The child is with Asriel. Her  _ father _ ,” Marisa said, a satisfied, smug look on her face as she said it. “And soon, we will  _ all _ be far away from here, away from you, and there is nothing you can do to stop me. It is  _ over _ for us.”

Her words seemed to give her husband his confidence back, and a twisted smile spread across his face. “Yes. Yes it is over for you. For all three of you,” he said, slowly walking towards his wife, Marisa backing away until she ended up against the wall, Edward closing the space between them.

“You will never see that man, or your bastard child ever again. They will both get what they deserve, and  _ your _ punishment, my darling Marisa, will be to live out the rest of your days in disgrace…” he said. He looked utterly manic now, and before Marisa could retort, she felt his hands around her neck. Sensing her panic, Ozymandias screeched,calling out for Marisa, leaping to try and scratch at Edward, do what he could to stop him, but his daemon was too quick, swooping down repeatedly, attacking the monkey as Edward increased the pressure on Marisa’s neck.

Edward started at his wife, unblinking as she struggled under his grip.

“This is what happens Marisa! This is what happens to disgusting, filthy _ whores _ like you, to women who sin! You made me do this, you made me do  _ all  _ of this!” he spat at her through gritted teeth, his body shaking with how hard his grip was on her.

Marisa went limp, slumping against the wall and collapsing to the floor as her husband finally let go. Ozymandias was in a similar condition just feet away from her. 

The last thing she thought of as she lost consciousness, was her daughter.


	6. Chapter 6

Marisa drifted in and out of consciousness, vaguely remembering seeing her daemon lying next to her through blurry eyes, but couldn’t get the strength to reach for him before she was out of it again. 

When she properly came to, she sat up stiffly, reaching a hand to her neck which was blanched with the early signs of bruising, and her jaw which still ached from where Edward had hit her. It took her several minutes to remember what had even happened, but when it did, it all came back in a flash, and she staggered to her feet, going to look at the clock. Marisa gasped when she saw the time. She had been out cold for hours, and it was now evening; if Edward had left that morning to go after Asriel and Lyra straight away, they’d all have been in Oxford by now.

“We should go after them…” Ozymandias said, the monkey looking dishevelled after his tussle with the buzzard, however he sounded determined. “Yes...yes we should…” Marisa said, clearly still quite dazed and having trouble thinking clearly. She was still quite unsteady on her feet, but made her way through to her bedroom, pulling out the trunk she had been carefully packing over the past few weeks, intending to finish packing it and make her way to Oxford. Her heart was pounding, and Ozymandias was chattering away, voicing all of her inner thoughts about how she would get there, when, if they’d still be able to get away, how Lyra was, how Asriel was, whether they were safe.

“Just STOP, Oz,  _ please _ !” Marisa snapped, lashing out at her daemon, hitting him, not unlike what Edward had done to her just hours before. The monkey cowered away, whimpering, but Marisa ignored him, she just kept throwing things haphazardly into the trunk, desperate to make the last airship of the night that could get her to Oxford. She looked the most dishevelled she had ever looked, her make up smeared, her usually perfectly set hair messy and out of place. As she slammed the trunk shut, there was a hammering at the door. Marisa and her daemon looked at one another, before she dashed to answer. Her hope was that it was Asriel with Lyra, that they were safe and hadn’t actually gone back to Oxford at all. But it was two strangers who greeted her at the door, two official looking strangers, who’s uniforms she instantly recognised as being Magisterium. Suddenly self conscious of how she must have looked, Marisa tried to smooth her hair, wiping her face, trying to compose herself, before it even really dawned on her why they might have been there. 

“Mrs Coulter?” the first man said, not waiting for an answer before they stepped inside her home. 

“I am sure you already have some idea why we are here, but I think it best you sit down,” he said, gesturing to the sofa. Marisa sat obediently, feeling like a guest in her own home, Ozymandias sat next to her, although not as close as he once would have been.

“It’s Lord Asriel, isn’t it?” she said quietly, not looking at the men. “He’s dead, isn’t he…?” 

The Magisterium men looked at one another, bewildered. 

“No, Mrs Coulter. It’s your husband, I’m afraid. I’m terribly sorry to bring you this news, but Mr Coulter was found dead, at Lord Asriel's home in Oxford. The circumstances of his death are suspicious and we have Lord Asriel in the custody of the Magisterium. We received the information from our colleagues in Oxford a few hours ago, and were asked to inform you. My condolences,” he said solemnly.

Marisa couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She couldn’t decide if she was relieved or devastated, relieved about Asriel, but clearly in shock at the news her lover had killed her husband. Though, Marisa had no doubt it had been in self defence; she knew how incensed her husband had been when he had left and that his fury would have increased tenfold when he finally found Asriel.

“What about my daughter?” she asked, almost too scared to ask the question. “Where is she?”

Once again, the men looked clueless. 

“There was no child found at Lord Asriel’s home, Mrs Coulter. We will be questioning him over the next few days and as I am sure you are aware, there will be a formal trial to decide his fate. As for your husband, we will assist you in making arrangements to bring his body back to London, but this may take time. The weather in Oxford had deteriorated today, and travel will be challenging, but we will keep you informed as much as we can,” the second man said. 

Marisa hadn’t really listened to a word they said; her mind was racing, thinking of Lyra and if she was safe. She just nodded, showing them to the door as they vaguely said something about leaving, but didn’t say anything as they left. She shut the door, a hand to her forehead, raking her nails over and over through her hair, scratching her scalp hard, as if she were trying to hold her head together. It was pounding, she could hear her own blood pumping in her ears, and her heart was practically thundering out of her chest.

Marisa felt utterly numb, not really sure where she was supposed to be or how she was supposed to feel. Her husband was dead, but Asriel was likely to be imprisoned, and if not, he’d lose everything. They couldn’t be together now, it would be made too difficult for them. Besides, Asriel would be held at least until his trial, and after that, they’d be utterly ostracized, even if he did get away with prison. And her daughter? Well, she didn’t even know if she was alive, let alone where she was. 

In her stupor, she noticed the bottle of liquor left on the table, left there by her husband earlier, before he had left. Without even being conscious of her actions, Marisa poured herself a glass. And another. And several others, until she had drained the bottle of its contents. Eventually, the effects took hold, slowing her racing heart, numbing her. Ozymandias kept trying to talk to her, but Marisa could barely even hear him, she just shut him out entirely. Even when she walked out onto the terrace, the monkey followed, just as unsteady on his feet as Marisa was, but at his protestations for her to come back inside, Marisa lashed out again, kicking him, the monkey whimpering as he scampered back indoors, Marisa slamming the door to shut him away. She stumbled to the ledge of the balcony, looking out over the edge, wondering in her drunken haze if it would be less shameful to jump, than to live out the rest of her days in disgrace. Everyone would know. Everyone was going to hear every sordid detail of the sins she had committed, and she knew, perhaps worst of all, she would be blamed for Edward’s death.  
  


***  
  


Marisa had hidden herself away for days, not talking to anyone, not even Ozymandias. She’d had a telegram from Thorold to tell her that Lyra was safe, protected by scholastic sanctuary at Jordan College. That was a relief at least; Marisa knew that her daughter was safe, and in the best place. If she had gone to take her back, there was no telling what might happen to her, and she certainly wouldn’t be able to guarantee her safety. Marisa couldn’t even guarantee her own.

“It’s the right decision. She will be safe with them,” her daemon reassured her, but Marisa ignored him. They had barely spoken at all since everything had been exposed, and any time he did speak, Marisa had snapped at him or point blank not wanted to hear what he said, usually because he was voicing all of the things she wanted to block out. She ached for her child, for Asriel, and couldn’t bear to admit to herself that it truly was over. She couldn’t be with her lover, or their daughter, and she had no idea how she was going to continue on; nobody would want to know her after everything that had happened.

However, the worst days were still to come. Marisa knew she was going to have no choice but to give evidence at Asriel’s trial, and possibly even worse than that, she’d have to go to Edward’s funeral. Marisa knew she wouldn’t be wanted there, but she couldn’t not go. Despite what she’d done, she was still Edward’s wife.  
  


***   
  


Marisa hadn’t taken any part in organising Edward’s funeral. She had left that to his parents, who like everyone else, were fully aware of the circumstances surrounding his death, and Marisa’s affair with Lord Asriel. It was all anyone was talking about, and the scandal was only made more irresistible when they found out there was an illegitimate child involved now too, though nobody seemed to know where they were or who they were with. 

Despite it being made clear by her in laws that she wasn’t welcome, Marisa was determined to attend Edward’s funeral. She dressed herself head to toe in black, her hair perfectly coiffed and make up expertly applied; it was the best she had looked in days, which was ironic considering the occasion. She arrived alone, her monkey by her side, and from behind her mourning veil, could see everyone staring, nudging one another and whispering. Marisa was used to turning heads, but she knew that this time it wasn’t because of how she looked. She walked into the church and took a seat at the front, something she knew was bold, but that would also give the impression that she wasn’t ashamed to be there. Marisa looked straight ahead, not daring to let her eyes drift to the coffin at the altar. 

“Of course they would choose an open casket,” Marisa thought, trying not to roll her eyes. 

“So crass. They want you to see his corpse, make you feel guilty for what you did,” her monkey whispered, which made Marisa look, seeing for the first time, her husband lying in the box, pale and icy looking, almost translucent. She almost immediately averted her eyes, and reached to grip the fur on her monkey’s back, pulling on it hard, as hard as she possibly could, making him whimper and her own eyes sting with tears, punishment for breaking her own resolve and looking at Edward’s corpse.

As the pews behind her filled up, she could still hear people talking about her. She pulled tighter on her daemon’s fur, gritting her teeth, the pain it caused blocking out their words, and also, the creeping and strangely amusing thought that at an event that should have been entirely about Edward, people were  _ still _ talking about her. She always stole the attention off of him while he was alive; the poor man couldn’t escape it, not even in death it seemed. Marisa couldn’t help but think of Asriel and how entertaining he would find it all, even now.

After the service, Marisa stood first, turning to walk out of the church before anyone else, determined to face everyone. Some mourners saw it as an opportunity to call out at her as she left. 

“ _ Jezebel! _ ” “ _ Filthy whore! _ ” “ _ Where is your bastard child? _ ” were just some of the insults thrown at her. A couple of Edward’s close friends even spat at her feet as they muttered their disgust. Marisa didn’t even flinch. The fact she remained so outwardly composed and unbothered only angered the congregation more.

She left the church, got into the car which was waiting for her, and returned home, relieved it was all over. Her reputation may have been in tatters, but she had faced up to it, no matter how much it had hurt her. And it did hurt. People who had once respected her, admired her, aspired to be just like her, now disgusted by her, thinking of her as nothing more than a woman of easy virtue, a common whore who had forgotten herself for the sake of lust. 

But the biggest obstacle was yet to come. She returned home to a letter from the Magisterium, her official summons as a witness in Lord Asriel’s trial. It would be the first time she had seen him since he had left with Lyra. Before all of this had happened. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it has taken me so long to update - life has been very busy!
> 
> I hope you enjoy - there are some very slight deviations from canon in this chapter that are necessary for the context of this fic to work. Hopefully it doesn't jar too much for your book purists.
> 
> Also big thanks to Ruth Wilson for all the 'daemon abuse' inspiration...I'm so sorry Oz...!


	7. 7

Marisa had spent the weeks leading up to Asriel’s trial entirely alone. She had tried to go out, continue as normal, but the scrutiny she was under was unbearable. People reacted just as they had at Edward’s funeral; calling out at her, heckling her, expressing their disgust, even spitting at her. In their eyes, having an affair was the worst possible thing she could have done. It wasn’t Asriel being talked about, and the fact he had committed murder, it was Marisa committing adultery that got all the attention and scorn. 

In her frustration, and in an attempt to find some justification of her actions, or validation she could cling to, Marisa had taken to reading the Bible, particularly the passages about sin, and adultery, and about Eve and how she was punished. She had read them so many times she could probably have recited them verbatim on demand had she been asked. Marisa couldn’t help but think it was all a parallel to how society was treating her now, wanting to punish her for being tempted by Asriel.

And she was beginning to think maybe they were right. She had been so reckless, and so  _ stupid _ , to think that they wouldn’t have been caught out, that they could have run away and continued on without any fuss. Marisa had everything she had ever wanted with Edward, other than the uncontrollable lust she’d had for Asriel. But had he really been worth it? The only good thing to come from it all was Lyra, and she knew that it was unlikely she would ever see her again. Lyra would be forever tainted too, known as the bastard child of a pair of sinners. She could only hope that her daughter didn’t grow up to succumb to the same temptations she had, and vowed if she were ever to be given the opportunity to raise her, she’d make sure of it. 

***

The day of Asriel’s trial soon came, and it was the first day Marisa had been out in public for weeks. Desperate to maintain whatever shred of reputation she had left, Marisa ensured that she looked flawless, but still clad in black. She ought to look as if she were still a mourning widow, even if nobody believed it, least of all Marisa herself. She hadn’t missed Edward one bit, and despite feeling guilty he had died because of her actions, she couldn’t help but feel relief at no longer having to be part of a sham marriage, or be paraded around on Edward’s arm like some pretty accessory. If nothing else, her actions had proved she had a mind of her own. 

Arriving at the court, Marisa was directed to sit alone. She was to be called as a witness in the case against Asriel; she’d had little choice in the matter, despite knowing how betrayed he would feel. As she sat waiting for him to be brought out, Marisa’s heart thudded against her ribs, making her feel faint. She wasn’t sure if she was more nervous about having to give evidence, or about seeing Asriel again after so long, but she tried to stay stoic and not let her fear show. Her monkey sat next to her, as calm and unreadable as she was. He had learned over the past few weeks or to share his thoughts with Marisa uninvited, or reveal anything to anyone else either, as she had taken to punishing him for letting her feelings and emotions show. After all, that was what had got her into this sorry mess in the first place. 

After what felt like a lifetime, Asriel was brought out, flanked by two guards. He looked different. Much more rugged and disheveled looking than Marisa had ever seen him, and she quickly blinked away the tears that had filled her eyes. It hurt, seeing him like that, and thinking of all that they had shared had come flooding back to her. Their cosy nights in the north, passionate days spent at his home in Oxford, stolen moments at the Arctic Institute….and Lyra. Their daughter. Marisa had been trying not to worry about her, but she was so like her father. Seeing him made it impossible not to think of her. She wondered if Asriel did too, if he regretted everything just as much as she did, and how it had turned out. 

The courtroom fell silent as Asriel began to be questioned. The magisterium first presented their case against him, and asked him to confirm his name, age and residence. They also asked for Asriel to be sworn in, to which Asriel laughed, placing his hand on the bible and rolling his eyes, which angered Marisa. He could at least  _ try _ to act like he had some remorse, some  _ care _ for what he had done, and the situation he had left her in. When he tried to smile at her, Marisa remained stoic, but she was gripping her monkey’s fur in an attempt to keep herself calm, just like she had at Edward’s funeral, the pain distracting her enough to keep her cool on the surface. 

“Lord Asriel, can you confirm the nature of your relationship with Mrs Marisa Coulter, wife of the deceased?” he was asked by the Magisterium official presiding over the case. 

That caught Marisa’s attention. She hoped he would play it down, or at least somehow try and make her look better. It was selfish, but she was desperate. The worst thing was, she knew just how unpredictable Asriel was. It was one of the things that had made her fall in love with him. 

“Certainly,” Asriel said, leaning casually against the dock, as if he were having a casual chat with a friend. He was still cocky, even when faced with losing absolutely everything. 

“Marisa and I were lovers. From the moment we met, we lusted after one another, and it became physical almost instantly,” he said, smirking. 

Marisa’s face burned. She was mortified, and furious. How dare Asriel reveal such private things about their relationship? He could have at least tried to be tactful. But the worst was still to come; he was just getting started. 

“We took every opportunity we could to enjoy one another. At the Arctic Institute, during research trips to the North, at my home in Oxford, and a particularly enjoyable occasion in her marital bed while her husband was drunk, and had fallen asleep in the next room. Even her moans didn’t wake him. I seem to recall she was particularly vocal that night,” he said, seemingly delighted at the gasps from the gallery, where not only family members sat, including Edward’s parents, but members of the general public who had gathered to hear the full details of the scandal. 

“She became pregnant, and despite us planning to head North to be together with our child, it wasn’t to be. Edward didn’t take too kindly to our little affair and came after me and my daughter when he found out. Understandable really. The poor fellow had been cuckolded for months. All those years married and I doubt he ever saw Marisa reacting to him in the ways she did with me...” Asriel chuckled.

Marisa wasn’t sure whether she wanted to scream or be sick. She couldn’t believe Asriel was embarrassing her like this. Had he ever really loved her at all? Did he not care? Had he no thought for her reputation, for how people would treat her after hearing this?

“So that is the truth of my intimate relationship with Marisa Coulter. Please don’t be fooled, I do love the woman. But we’re here to tell the truth, and I have nothing left to lose. Neither does she. After this I’m sure we’ll retreat and live in peace somewhere, if you would be so kind as to spare me prison,” he laughed. Asriel knew at the very least he’d lose his title, his land, everything of value; but he did hope he could at least keep Marisa and they could head off somewhere with Lyra and continue his work.

However, after he had finished giving evidence, Marisa couldn’t have felt more differently. She was utterly mortified and practically trembling with rage; if she wasn’t a pariah before then she certainly would be now. She couldn’t believe Asriel had the nerve, and so little respect for her, to reveal such intimate details about their affair in front of such a huge audience of influential people, and  _ especially _ the Magisterium. They had committed the ultimate sin and to be so blatant about it was heretical! She thought of all those things she had been reading over and over in the Bible and her mind began ticking as to how she might be able to use it to her advantage, to counter the picture Asriel had just painted of her. She had made up her mind. He wouldn’t ever have the satisfaction of touching her ever again. 

When the time came, Marisa stood to give evidence, calmly walking to the dock to confirm her name, being sworn in on the Bible, which she couldn’t help but think was ironic considering the reasons why she was there. Ozymandias stood at her feet, hidden from view from everyone else, tugging at the hem of her dress as if trying to stop her from talking, but he soon relented when Marisa stood hard on his foot with her stiletto heel; he didn’t even whimper. He was used to it now.

Unlike when Asriel had stood, Marisa didn’t wait for any questions to be asked of her. She wanted to run the show. This was her one chance to redeem herself and how she would be viewed for the rest of her life. 

“First of all,” Marisa began, her voice soft. “Everything Lord Asriel has said, is true. I  _ did _ do all of those terrible things. I am guilty of adultery, of committing the ultimate sin and birthing an illegitimate child.” Marisa could see Asriel smirking; she knew that he thought that she was about to do the same as he had, confess all, give a dramatic account of their affair to shock everyone. Little did he know that he would in fact be the one who got the biggest shock of all.

“This man bewitched me with his heretical ideas and made me act entirely out of character,” she said, gesturing to Asriel. “I am not a woman who would usually give in to lust, and when I married my husband I meant every word of the vows I made. Lord Asriel has no regard for any law, any boundary or the word of God. In fact, he actively looks for ways to rebel, and I believe I was just another fool who got mixed up in his destructive plot. I don’t believe he ever loved me, despite what he may say, but I think I was a pawn in his game to challenge the Authority and call in to question everything that keeps our world in order,” Marisa said, rather passionately. There were mumblings among the court congregation; clearly nobody had expected her to turn on Asriel. She didn’t turn to look at his reaction, worried it might put her off her stride, but he looked crestfallen. This was nothing like the Marisa he knew.

“Unlike Lord Asriel,” Marisa continued, “I wish to repent for my sins. I have no desire to continue our sordid affair, and I am willing to do what it takes to cleanse myself and regain the reputation I once held.” As she spoke, she noticed that the Magisterium officials had really taken notice now, glancing at one another as if she had really grabbed their attention, so she decided to lay it on thick.

“Can any of you here say that you have lived a life entirely without sin? I find that hard to believe. I don’t doubt that some of you look at me as nothing but a jezebel, a sinner of the worst kind. But as it states, in Corinthians 6:11,  _ ‘As such, were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified by the Spirit of our God.’  _ I have come here today to admit to my failings, and make clear that I take seriously what I have done. But I am not the woman Lord Asriel describes. He will never repent, he will never show remorse for his actions, and I don’t believe prison would be a punishment for him. Removing his status, his land, his means of which to work on heretical theologies…I consider that to be the worst punishment you could hand him,” she finished, looking rather triumphant.

As she left the stand, Stelmaria growled at her monkey when Marisa caught Asriel’s eye. But her gaze didn’t linger for long. It could have just been the light, but for a split second, she could have sworn that his eyes were glazed with tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a toughie but I hope you all enjoy. We are getting to the end folks! I hope to have the next instalment up soon with what Marisa gets up to next. 
> 
> Thanks as always to my fabulous proof readers Katie and Julia - much appreciated as ever!


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